Abstract
A young man who is permanently excluded from school faces a bleak future. Unemployment, homelessness, and criminality, are but three possibilities.
But in one area of life he will very likely 'succeed'; and that is in fathering a child. The birth of the child could be the high point of his life so far. He 'wants the best' for that child.
But how to get the help he needs? If his own upbringing was by indifferent or abusing parents who have shown him no love, how is he to learn how to love and care for his own child?
The window of opportunity, when the young man might accept help, may be open all too briefly. The help is not immediately available or forthcoming in a manner acceptable to him, his frustrations will re-assert themselves, his good intentions be dissipated, and he will revert to the inappropriate methods of 'parenting' that he experienced himself.
How can this window of opportunity be seized by those able to help, information given, skills taught, confidence built up, and an on-going good relationship with the child developed?
A paper will be presented, to be followed by discussion, when those attending will be invited to share experiences and consider future action.
In November 1997, the Birmingham Branch of NASEN sponsored a Conference on 'The Excluded Pupil'. We invented 'Tommy', who was permanently excluded from secondary school. What had happened earlier in his life? What about his family and upbringing? What happened to him afterwards? Were there links? We were not the first to notice the vicious circle: Tommy begets Tommy, who in turn begets Tommy.
Can the circle be broken?
This paper takes a further look at 'Tommy' and the 'circle', including the role of parents especially fathers, and the role of schools.
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A study involving parenting today must acknowledge the changing circumstances into which children are born. These include: frequent marriage breakdown; the rise in divorce; the creation of 'step-families'; and cohabitation as an accepted alternative to marriage.
More subtle have been the changes in the roles of men and women, such as: the increasing employment of women; greater equality between men and women; and the changes in ideas and practice regarding fathers' involvement in their children's upbringing.
It is not an easy time for young men and women to be growing up.
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In 'A Man's place in the home: Fathers and families in the UK', published in April of this year, Charlie Lewis, Professor of Psychology at Lancaster University, has drawn on findings from recent research to summarise what is currently known about Fathers and Fatherhood in Britain. I quote: "Fathers have become central figures on the policy agenda, but often in the negative context of their absence from their children's lives at crucial times."
Here are some of the points he makes:
Policy issues about fatherhood continue to be dominated by an 'economic' view of fathering. There is little serious discussion about men's parenting. For example:
Perhaps we can add one more, that is fundamental, tho less thought of on a day-to-day basis: greater confusion as to 'the purpose of life' - including, the 'purpose' of children.
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In 'Leading Lads' published in 1999, and based on the opinions of some 1400 young men aged 13-19 across Britain, Adrienne Katz showed that 25% of young men were doing extremely well - better even than girls. She termed them the 'Can-do's'. But at the other extreme, 13% of young men were having considerable difficulties. She termed them the 'Low Can-Do's'. One of the chief characteristics of the Low Can-do's was low self-esteem. But for both groups, one of the critical factors was the relationship with the father (or father-figure). Katz summarised some of the findings as follows:
She found:
In addition:
' Fathering protects.
She went on: "It seems fathers and father-figures do not always realise what a powerful effect they can have... Men teach boys how to act like a man, and it is from older males that ideas about masculinity are absorbed. Men can widen their emotional landscape; can teach that you can be tough and tender; can teach boys how to be protective and caring; can teach boys how to respect women."
Katz used the phrase 'Highly Involved Man'.
The Low Can-Do lad, however, would suffer from 'dad deficit'.
He will tend to have a father who may even live under the same roof, but they don't communicate. The father may be sitting downstairs watching the TV, unaware that his son upstairs is in emotional turmoil. Indeed, feelings are something that are never discussed. 'Men don't cry' and 'Men solve their own problems, by themselves' rule OK. He will feel uncertain; his parents will show little interest in his school-work; he will not consider his father has 'laid down the right rules' (or stuck to them). He will have difficulty communicating with others, making decisions, coping with change (eg changing roles in society), will have little respect for anyone he considers 'different' (eg women, foreigners, 'wimps'). He is probably failing at school, including bullying/being bullied; in trouble with the police; into drugs/alcohol/tobacco/sex. It is unlikely he will go on to any form of further education, and his chances of employment are slender.
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Our Tommy will almost certainly be a Low Can-Do boy. Yet whatever may be his history of failure and deficit before he is out of his teens, there is one achievement he may all to likely have accomplished: he becomes a father himself.
Some men who father a child, at whatever age, show no interest in their progeny. But it is now well documented (Rolph 1999; Speak et al 1997) that even the most disadvantaged young man may actually take a great interest in the child he has helped, albeit unintentionally, to bring into the world. Fatherhood can arouse deep if different responses from all men. Is there any reason why Tommy should be different? He may well be only too eager to care for the child. The question is: can he?
As a worker with young homeless people in the West midlands showed me, the first difficulty is likely to be with Tommy himself: the person he has become, and the 'baggage' that he is carrying around with him. We have already seen how he has fared at school, and what might be his relationship with his own father. There may well be other factors, such as homelessness; unemployment; problems with finance and health - drugs, alcohol, smoking, and mental health; he could even be suicidal. Tommy may urgently need help to sort out his own life, let alone taking on responsibility for someone else's.
But let us suppose that these problems are overcome, and that maybe he is living with the child's mother. How effective will he be as a father?
It may be that neither he, nor the mother, has any previous knowledge of babies and their needs. For example, Karen Paul, a community Parent Worker in Swindon, told me of the father of a young baby who assumed, once the child was three weeks old, that it should be expected to sleep through the night, and its screaming ignored until morning.
Constantly, Tommy has only his own experience, and the role-model of his own father, to fall back on - and if abuse was part of that, how long will it be before he is unable to resist the temptation to do to his child as was done to him - or before the child's non-stop screaming drives him, literally, to murder (the recent NSPCC posters)?
Bringing up a family is one of the most important tasks many of us ever have to undertake. Moreover, it is thrust upon us, with no training or preparation, other than that which we gain from our own circumstances. Yet even for the 'good enough parents' that most of us are most of the time, there are aspects of the task with which we could all do with some help.
What of the young parent from a disadvantaged background?
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There are two stages in the process of growing up in Britain, when professional involvement with the young person (and/or his/her parents) is required to be provided by law. The first is for the new-born and pre-school child. Midwives and health visitors visit and monitor every family in the land when a baby is born - provided a child or family does not 'slip through the net'. They give advice and assistance, and have a far-reaching network of support they are able to call upon. There does however seem to be variation between different parts of the country as to what extra help may be available for families with a young child who have greater-than-normal difficulties.
In Swindon, for example, for twenty years, Pauline Mayes and her team have been based at the Marlborough House Unit attached to the Princess Margaret Hospital. They work with pre-school-age children with behavioural difficulties such that they might have difficulty in coping when they start school. The children attend one day a week for ten weeks; the parents observe how the staff handle their children; and the parents attend a 'parenting' course. If need be, workers will go into homes to work with parents who are having difficulty. Described on television over four years ago in "Breaking the Cycle", a documentary made by the widely-respected producer Roger Graef, this unit has a 'success rate' such that over 50% of children subsequently have no further need of assistance; and minimal further assistance is necessary at later stages in the schooling of most of the remainder. Interestingly, the Marlborough House Unit is funded entirely by 'Health' and not by 'Education'.
More recently, amongst the may groups, some national but many localised, that now offer help to parents of young children, are groups that specifically target the needs of fathers, such as Fathers Direct; Working with Men; National Newpin; and projects such as Dads and Lads, and DIY Dads. Even so, very few specifically target, or, if an all-age group, report much take-up by, younger fathers. An exception is the PIPPIN 'Investing in Fathers' project.
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The second stage is the period of compulsory schooling, from 5-16.
What do, and what might schools do, to help pupils become good parents, and to help the Tommy's of this world?
Firstly, they need to do all they can to help Tommy grow up as a balanced and well-adjusted individual, and thereby pre-empt later problems developing, by providing a supportive environment. This means one in which pupils feel safe, both physically and emotionally, and are treated with courtesy and made to feel valued as individuals by all the adults with whom they come into contact; where bullying is addressed effectively; and where older pupils work with, and readily help, younger pupils in a variety of settings.
The child who experiences such an environment at school - and above all at secondary school - may well then be able to cope with a home where such an environment is lacking. At the very least, he will have experienced one.
The school's second task is to enable the pupil to learn those things which they will need in order to be a good parent, insofar as he/she is at this stage able to take them on board. It seems curious that the Final Report of the Advisory Group on Citizenship (Citizenship being required teaching in schools in England from this year), and the eight key areas of the National Healthy Schools Standard - despite one being 'Sex and relationships education' - barely refer either to 'families' or 'parenting'. Curious too, and also a cause of grave concern, is the disappearance from most secondary schools of the 'Childcare' and 'Home Economics' courses which used to do so much to help certain youngsters prepare for adult family life.
The 'practical' aspects of 'traditional' sex education, such as teaching about contraception, clearly still need to continue to be taught.
Within sex education, teaching about emotions, and of the key role that our emotions play in all our relationships, urgently needs a higher profile - especially with boys. For example, as Steve Biddulph, the renowned family therapist from Australia, points out: the difference between 'liking', 'loving', and 'lusting', and their interplay in our relationships with members of the opposite sex. Daniel Goleman in his 'Emotional Intelligence' argues that it is at least as important for us to be aware of, and in control of, our emotions, for success in life, as it is to have academic success. For Steve Biddulph, a boy becomes a man when he learns to contain his emotions.
Pupils need to learn how emotions 'work' with regard to child development. Goleman shows how early childhood experiences can help mould the adult. For example (referring back to the child who screamed) the baby who, regularly, wakes at night, cries, and is then suckled lovingly by its mother, will grow up loving people. The child who, regularly, wakes and cries, only to be tended by an irritable mother who had only just fallen asleep after rowing with her man, handles the baby roughly, is unable to feed it and the child is eventually put down still hungry and cries itself to sleep - will grow up to feel unloved and will in turn unlove other people.
Pupils need to learn about the importance of bonding between parents and child (recently re-discovered), as well as how, from the earliest age, the development of the brain is enhanced by all manner of external stimulation.
The opportunity for discussion in small groups is vital. Discussion, leading to reflection, needs to be at the heart of this most sensitive of teaching tasks. Boys are often uncomfortable with their emotions, and find it difficult to talk about them. Often it is considered 'unmanly' to do so. Moreover, boys often have difficulty in understanding emotions - both their own, and others'. At Swindon, they found that, at a very early age, whereas little girls could identify others' feelings, little boys found this very difficult.
There need to be times when boys and girls discuss jointly, so that each can hear, and perhaps challenge, the others' viewpoint.
Discussion must be at the level of, and in language understood by, the pupils. We may need to teach things we, as adults, take for granted, and therefore assume that all pupils already know.
We need particularly to help boys understand (although they will never admit it out loud) how peer pressure works, and how they can stand up to what they think (rightly or wrongly) their peers, or their boy-or girl-friends, may expect them to do.
'Discipline' is another topic ripe for discussion. Pupils feel strongly about fairness, and being at a stage where they tend to be on the receiving end of 'disciplinary measures', have strong views on right and wrong, as well as on rights and responsibilities. It is an ideal time for pupils to discuss how they might discipline their own future children. For discipline figures highly as a contentious issue within families. at Barnardo's 'Parenting Ways' Centre in Nechells, Birmingham, Teresa Quinn identified concern about their children's behaviour and what to do about it, as the no 1 concern of parents who came to the centre. The abolition of corporal punishment in schools, and the moves within the European Union towards a 'no-smacking' policy for parents, have highlighted the need for alternative ways of disciplining children. For those brought up to corporal punishment, alternative ways involving 'positive encouragement' can be particularly difficult to get a handle on, as made clear for me by John Street, a Youth and Community Worker in Nechells. And modelling - not just talking about - appropriate behaviour may be an essential part of the learning process.
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The Government's consultation document 'Supporting Families' proposed four admirable measures: the National Family & Parenting Institute; 'Parentline'; an enhanced role for health visitors; and 'Sure Start'. Over a period of time, all four should contribute to better parenting in general and especially in designated 'Sure Start' areas, where Tommy may live.
But one thing Tommy the parent needs is still missing. Karen Paul pointed out that, when Tommy asks for help, he needs it immediately. Firstly, because the situation may be a crisis; secondly, because Tommy is somebody who is impatient and impulsive in his behaviour.
What he needs is a personalised, express, 'air ambulance/paramedic'-type service. The comparison is apt, because the situation may very well be life-threatening - for Tommy's child; with the danger coming from Tommy's own ignorance, frustration, and unpredictable behaviour.
Once Tommy has been identified in infancy, there needs to be constant, 24-hour availability of emergency assistance and advice for Tommy and/or his parents. The key feature of such a support service will be a system, whereby the person in difficulty will be able to get immediate help. A dedicated pager or mobile phone - comparable to the 'bleeper' that some elderly folk carry around their neck - could be an essential tool, enabling a parent to contact a trusted and constantly available worker/service at moments of crisis. And of course, the mere fact that such a service was available, would in many cases be sufficient to give parents the confidence to do the job without asking for help.
The setting up of such a service is perhaps a task for which the newly formed National Family & Parenting Institute is ideally suited. It requires a body with 'clout' nation-wide, respected by professionals and able to bend the government's ear.
For we are talking of an elite 'flying squad' of skilled and experienced professional workers, whose specialised job within their area is to focus on those, often very young, parents who have special needs with regard to parenting. They would work closely with schools, social services and health.
The level of support needed will be highly variable, though the more it is given in the early stages (when it is less expensive), the less it will be likely to be needed at later stages.
The provision, and therefore the cost, will vary widely as between different parts of the country, and even within different areas of one city or authority. The funding must therefore be on a national basis, rather than imposing an extra burden disproportionately on certain authorities.
And can we afford the cost? Can we afford NOT to?
'Tommy' was named after Thomas Hamilton, who in 1994 took an assortment of weaponry, made his way into a primary school in Dunblane and shot dead over a dozen young children and their teacher, before turning a gun on himself.
Such was the revenge of one man on a society which did NOT help him.
REFERENCES
'A MAN'S PLACE IN THE HOME: FATHERS AND FAMILIES IN THE UK' by CHARLIE LEWIS (JOSEPH ROWNTREE FOUNDATION 2000)
'BREAKING THE CYCLE' (TV documentary on the Marlborough House Unit in Swindon) produced by ROGER GRAEF (NETWORK FIRST: NOV 1996)
'EDUCATION FOR CITIZENSHIP AND THE TEACHING OF DEMOCRACY IN SCHOOLS Final report of the Advisory Group on Citizenship' (QCA 1998)
'EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE' by DANIEL GOLEMAN (BLOOMSBURY 1996)
'EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES - FOR WHOM?' article by PETER MIDDLER in BRITISH JOURNAL OF SPECIAL EDUCATION (MARCH 1999)
'EXCELLENCE FOR ALL CHILDREN' (DFEE 1997)
'HEALTHY SCHOOLS. NATIONAL HEALTHY SCHOOLS STANDARD "GETTING STARTED" - A guide for schools' (DFEE 1999)
'HOW LOVE WORKS' by STEVE & SHAARON BIDDULPH (THORSONS 1998/2000)
'LEADING LADS' edited by by ADRIENNE KATZ (YOUNG VOICES 1999) (in abbreviated form: 'WHAT SONS SAY')
'MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS' by JOHN GRAY (THORSONS 1993)
'MEN IN THE NURSERY' by C CAMERON, P MOSS, C OWEN (PCP 1999)
'PARENTING MATTERS What works in parenting education?' edited by EVA LLOYD (BARNARDO'S 1999)
'PERFECT PARENTS' by CHRISTINA HARDYMENT (OXFORD 1983/1995)
'RAISING BOYS' by STEVE BIDDULPH (THORSONS/COLLINS 1997)
'SUPPORTING FAMILIES' (STATIONERY OFFICE 1998)
'THE SECRET OF HAPPY CHILDREN' by STEVE BIDDULPH (THORSONS 1984/1998)
'YOUNG, UNEMPLOYED, UNMARRIED ... FATHERS TALKING' by JUSTIN ROLPH (WORKING WITH MEN 1999)
'YOUNG SINGLE FATHERS' by S SPEAK, S CAMERON, R GILROY (FAMILY POLICY STUDIES CENTRE 1997)
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